At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
You Might Also Like
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.