I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
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*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
This made me chuckle.