My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
You Might Also Like
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips