The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
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I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
So that’s what we looked like?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*