karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
You Might Also Like
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.