Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
🤣🤣🤣
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.