Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Leaving the Barbers like
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.