I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
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Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.