Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help