My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?