I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
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You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Xylophonist Shredding It
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
sin harder.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound