He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
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I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Monday?
No. Next question.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Wait a minute
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them