Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
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Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*