[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
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*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
What personal space?
My dog
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.