Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
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(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store