To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
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ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.