I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.