Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
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My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
58.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off