What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
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Food gives you energy to nap more.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
how was your vacation
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work