Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
You Might Also Like
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil