Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.