I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
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i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
the answer was staring at me all along
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Does it…does it take 3 days
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.