wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
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Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.