Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
You Might Also Like
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”