How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man