Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I ate everything, including the H.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
i love modern commerce
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH