If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?