I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
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Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
😂 amazing answer
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”