Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands