The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.