Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
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I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions