Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
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[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Oh we’ve met.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight