Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My five year plan is a meteorite
termite twitter scares me
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“Sheer Arrogance”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
How to find Kentucky on a map
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.