Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
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In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail