Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
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eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Auto correct is my worst enema.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha