[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
this chia pet tastes awful
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners