[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
You got this…
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.