this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I have so many questions.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi