[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
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What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
*wins $1000*
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Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner