boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.