Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”