I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
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kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
one last job
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear