[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
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Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
🌱🌱🌱
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.