Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
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How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
this could fix me
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet