Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.