[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
concern
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.