I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Lmao
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Good boy 😂😂