Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
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I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.