If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.