Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions